Well hello world! It has been a long time since I last made a blog entry and I have made some progress since. But since I didn't see any theme's emerging (not that I was looking for any) I did not feel compelled to share anything of what was going on in my life. I have decided that now is the perfect time to continue. So many revelations and now they all have been effortlessly tied together to a single point which has brought meaning to it all.
I had a dream last night and it was a peak into an alternate time line where a more successful figure in my life now had lived a very different path. I told this person how successful they had become in my time line and upon hearing of their immense potential they became very distraught and wanted to leave to be sad in secret about what they had become. The significance of this did not hit me until I fully woke up, even though I was quite lucid with in the dream. I began to see that everything that made them sad and disappointed in themselves I was actually living in this time line to some degree. Though I also quickly recognized that I have been on the road to recovery so to speak.
Without getting into too many details I will say simply that due to a long history of being hyper-sensitive and from that state having repeated experiences of people retracting their love from me, I began to believe I must be unlovable. This happened so powerfully that I felt powerless against it. It formed a chronic pattern of pushing the world away. In retrospect I see that I was fighting to maintain the pure love I felt I was inside, and since people hurt me so many times the only way I believed I could continuously feel that was to isolate myself. At the time I had no better information so it was my best option. Now I realize very simply I was dependent on others' love and this was a period of becoming independent of it. Now comes the next phase, a re-opening to what I closed off. A sort of interdependence that is well underway.
The past decision to isolate myself did not solve the problem because then my life style became more hidden and secret and began to weigh on me. I had no one I felt I could confide in and so every pain was either dealt with or shoved under the rug, usually the latter until later on. Self love was the lesson all along and will continue to be the lesson as far as I can tell. I have come a LONG way and the clarity I have now will make all the difference. Without self love we will sabotage ourselves at every turn. We may recognize a desire or a need but because we feel unworthy, whether we are conscious of it or not, we will simply loose interest and settle for familiar comforts over and over again. This leads to a pile up of unfinished projects and pursuits which only tended to whey even more on my self worth. It is a toxic cycle. The best thing I can say to be the solution is to recognize the pattern. Something happens in life and we become resentful, and by holding onto that we become less and less able to love anyone and we are the first if not the only one to loose the love at first. And THIS is where things go sour. We will have to forgive ourselves for ever blaming others for our loss of love, reclaim that love by loving ourselves once again, then we can love others once again.
That's another pattern I've noticed. When I do have those moments when I suddenly love myself once again in a way I had unwittingly withheld I feel a deep sadness. Because in that moment I realize how much not loving myself has made it literally impossible to love others all this time. Just another thing to forgive ourselves for.
Right now I am starting this blog because I figured it's a good way to practice my typing skills and I might as well knock two birds out with one stone. Happy Self Loving yall! :)
All things creative.