I became numb because I was so open at the beginning and the world became so cruel, too painful, so I closed my heart to the world, became bitter. Every time I tried to open back up the world reminded me how cruel it can be. But here's a truth that has helped. Hurt people Hurt People. Peoples suffering spills over. I have had to learn to feel even when it hurts, take my time, stay in my body and...well compassion will probably save the day. I'm still on my journey. Cruelty turned me cruel. I justified my actions while denying their nature. It's kinda like trying to quit being an alcoholic, you first have to admit you are an alcoholic before you have any hope of recovery. So it is with the heart. I had to admit to myself how cruel and bent and sour and bitter I'd become. I had to really accept that without judging myself, really acknowledge how dark my heart had turned out of bitterness. Then resolve to have a good heart, knowing that deep down inside that's who I am and who I want to live my life as. Numbness for me was closing my heart so that I didn't feel. But that eventually turns into deep rotting emotional depravity, and vampirism, if we resolve never to feel again.
I watched Titanic and watched the dynamics between Jack's actions and choices and the villain's. I saw too much of the villain in myself. Too much selfishness and power seeking, using what ever means to get what I wanted. This caused a switch to happen in me. Because I saw Jack's heart and I remember that's who I am inside. I thought, If I were to die today I would not like the life I'd lived, I've been so selfish, and would die without a hand to hold, cold and alone. It's not a matter of selfless vs. selfish to me, it's a matter of "Am I living from my heart?"
All things creative.