Last night I felt a need to refocus my mind. It had become a little chaotic and random in its intentions and so I did some shamanic chanting and random movements to throw off my thinking mind and move into my heart. Then I began a fit of singing and meditation. I came to realize I am not expressing myself as much as my soul would like and that I would really enjoy some form of performance arts. Not the first time I've recognized this, not by far. I've got to find a way to step into my power here and take initiative that will transform everything in my reality. And now I recognize it will happen only through the Vortex and through Action! Neither one can be compromised.
I went off to lala land to have my visions (dreams)...
One of the last visions (dreams) I had was first me jumping near weightlessly down a street flanked on both sides by a series of store houses. In the street were puddles, indicating that the street had caved in towards the center over time. Then I saw the streets were fixed by a slight bulge in the center and on either side there were recesses and drainage to catch the collected water into the sewer. This is what they do, but it was shortly followed by a meeting with my father, the undercover inventor. First I saw him talking business on the phone and then I walked over to see another version of him at a computer. I said aloud "And this is him today." He looked tired and unhappy. I gave him a big hug and said a deeply felt "Thank You Dad". I felt he was under appreciated and under acknowledged and it was I who, on a spiritual level, needed to give this to him.
From this dream I realized that I don't show enough my Appreciation, Love and Respect for my Father. And I do Appreciate Love and Respect him, but saying this may not be enough to his Soul, he needs me to Demonstrate it. My Spirit has highlighted this and I have come to realize this is a big part of my Soul mission. One way or another.
I have not shown proper Appreciation, Love and Respect for the gift that people have been to me, nor have I made the most of what I have been given.
On top of this I realized that I didn't feel appreciated or respected myself by the people that matter most to me, and I realized I had come to accept this because I had decided "I hadn't earned it". This drove me to tears to recognize this unmet need, it is a very unloving thing to decide we must earn love, and not only that but to decide it is impossible to earn! This is spiritual Suicide! The inner child felt acknowledged and wept when I acknowledged it's need to be loved NOW, regardless of what I have succeeded or failed to accomplish this life time. For this I need to forgive myself and begin to make some conscious shifts in my attitude toward both myself and others.
THANK YOU for the gifts you've given me, my gift in return is what I BECOME.
Do Something New To Build a New You
So today I was feeling an intense need to break free somehow. I decided that I would go to three places I'd never been to before and do three things I'd never done before. First I checked out the Chinese restaurant down our street but the owner is gone until the end of September. However I found a lucky penny in the parking lot which is a positive omen to me. So I continued on my way, determined not to turn back until my mission was completed.
Next I went to a bike shop I had been curious about for some time but never was ballsy enough to cross the street and check it out, well today I did! And I also checked out a printing company next door to them where I may get my business cards printed. The third place I went to was yet another place I was curious about but too chicken to ever go into, a sports bar and grill. I went in and met a couple bar tenders, had some cheese fries and lemonade and in the end I didn't have to pay for ANYTHING! I'd asked for chili on my fries thinking it meant chili peppers and half way through eating it I told the server this, feeling guilty he offered to pay for it. We went back and forth and in the end, after fumbling with the machine he said "I got this" and I accepted. I also picked up a job application.
He seemed to have a very positive response to me and this makes me think that a job there is actually a pretty good probability. I know my father would be happy to hear that. I would only go for part time though, maybe as a chef or bar tender. Well see how that goes.
The three things new I did were:
The first mission, visit places I've felt apprehension about.
Leave the bar table while my food was being prepared.
Inform the bar tender of something that needed replacement.
This whole thing felt very refreshing, even though I did have to eat a tiny bit of meat I felt overall only positively about the whole thing. Next I am about to go out and have my bike repaired, another thing I've been putting off. The key is to step into the unknown and build the momentum. Don't be satisfied with giving it most of your effort, but give the full effort. In other words keep noticing when you are being called to be more than you have been by you Spirit and continuously step to the plate. The momentum builds and you find fears dropping off left and right as you recognize your power. Haha! Just as I finished writing this do you know what I just glanced over at? 1:11pm
Hey there, you wanna see something that should be super surprising by now? My total came to 44.30 dollars. Uhmm did I see that right? Yeah I did! Prime Synchronicity number, again!
Tell me this is even close to something that is possible to plan having never gone to this bike shop to get a tire change before, having no idea what a tire change would cost or even which tire he would use. Madness! :D I also caught the clock at 3:43 and 5:43... and 6:43. :)
All things creative.